Goodbye Charlie

I feel very lost today. Yesterday I had to make the hard decision to put Charlie to sleep. The toxins in his system weren’t filtering out like they hoped they would and his kidneys were just shot. I knew deep down when I first took him to the vet this week that he wouldn’t get to come home again permanently. There was just this look that our other dog Lady had in her eyes that told me it was bad. Just once I would like my intuition to tell me when something good is going to happen. I have a great sixth sense for bad stuff and I just get sick of it sometimes.

The vet’s office let me bring Charlie home for a bit yesterday so Little Guy and Lady and the cats could say goodbye. I went to the store before getting him and bought gobs of camera film and some dog Halloween costumes. I got Charlie a cute little cape and Lady a pumpkin sweater. I also grabbed some new squeaky toys. We didn’t buy them often because within minutes Charlie would have them destroyed to get the squeaker out. After getting him home I think Lady was in denial. She kept trying to get him to play and just be Charlie, which was somewhat out of character for her. She wasn’t thrilled when we brought him home as a puppy five years ago and just finally really warmed up to him within the past two. Rascal our cat even let Charlie chase him around the living room, he was so kind as to slow down so he could catch him. We took over two rolls of film up yesterday and it was nice that we got to see him behave like Charlie one last time. He napped on the couch for a while and peed on the carpet. Then got to go out to the backyard and see his squirrel and peed, pooped and threw up. When he was going potty so much it lifted my spirits a bit thinking maybe he was starting to come out of it and it crossed my mind to give him a few more days, but then he threw up and looked up at me afterwards and just looked miserable. I knew I was only kidding myself thinking he’d come out of it again. So we loaded him back up in the car and headed back to the vets office.

The Hubby made it home long enough to love him and spend a little time with him but didn’t want to be there for the whole thing and Little Guy was too young to be there so I left him in the car with Lady and carried Charlie in. I couldn’t let him go without being there; I had promised him he wouldn’t go alone. The vet came in and explained the procedure to me and told me how good Charlie had been for them and how I had gone above and beyond what most people would for a pet. It didn’t really make me feel better but it was nice of him to say it. I appreciated the sentiment. Then it was time and my wonderful boy went peacefully and quickly. It is very different when they are actually gone. I didn’t cry as hard as I thought I would at that moment. It was just a moment of absolution, Charlie wasn’t there anymore it was just this furry thing that used to have Charlie inside. I knew he was being met at that pearly doggie door by Marshal my Dad’s German Shepard that was my protector when I was little and Bea our Beagle and all of the other animals we had known in our lifetime and even those we didn’t. And I that hooey that’s supposedly in the Bible about animals not going to heaven is just plain rubbish. I read an article on it the other day and in the article the stupid writer said that Jesus died for the sins of humans. That’s only because he didn’t have to die for the sins of animals. Especially dogs and cats and all sorts of other pets. Animals already know how to love unconditionally; they already know how to live their lives for someone else. Even the ones that turn out mean were only made that way because of the environment they were subjected to. I am one of those people I can relate better to animals than I can to people.

This will be very hard for a while to get used to, right now I’m stuck in the “what if” stage wondering if I would have done something different would he still be here. I feel like I failed him. But someday it will get easier and I have to focus on taking care of Lady and giving her everything she needs to make the rest of her days wonderful. I’m hoping her and I have quite a few more.