Thursday, July 16, 2009

Good morning darlings!! I’m coming to you this morning from a slightly windy and very rainy Nebraska town. The thunderstorms started early this morning and I don’t mind one bit. The Hubby left yesterday to go see his family for the next week and therefore I did not sleep well last night. I blame it more on the heat, Lily and the dogs.

My Mom and my Grandmother decided to move up their visit from the end of this month to this week on very short notice. Which is okay, I just wasn’t quite prepared for it. Grandma got here yesterday and until the guy gets done with the rest of the plumbing today or tomorrow at my other house she is staying with us. So far this visit is going better than the last, she has not completely morphed into Attila the Hun yet, but she still isn’t travelling overly well. She refused to let me have Little Guy sleep downstairs in the spare bedroom so she could have his room. So I have my Grandmother sleeping on the couch. Granted it’s a comfortable couch but I still feel bad having my 78 year old grandmother sleep on the couch!! But I did everything to get her to sleep in Little Guys room short of carrying her in there. So I guess it’s her choice…but I still feel bad. But once Mom gets here tomorrow they will be staying at the other house.

In other news, over the last couple of weeks I have made some attempts to actually start speaking to my father again. He’d been on my mind a lot as of late so I decided to be the one to crack and sent him a text first. My Dad does not text but I knew he’d at least read it and he’d either call or I’d hear from my Step Mom. It was the latter of the two and it seemed safe to call him. The last screaming fit he had with me way back in October he had instructed me not to call him etc. (I’m still not overly sure about what it was all about). So up until two weeks ago I had followed his orders and not called him. I was also being stubborn and was determined to make him call me first…that really worked out. But since I gave him a call we’ve just played phone tag since then. I also found out my step brother got married to his girlfriend and they are living here. She grew up here I guess and evidently they’re not on very good terms with my Step Mom and my Dad. They came over for a bit with their little one on the 4th of July then he stopped by my office again last Friday. Toby and I have always gotten along but really haven’t seen much of each other over the last few years due to our dysfunctional family. I’m still a bit leery of him becoming so chummy all of a sudden, but it’s nice to be forming some kind of relationship. I’m just not overly trusting when it comes to dealing with anything to do with my step mom. She’s an awesome lady and I really do like her, but we are still getting used to each other. There’s a jealousy factor there (more on her part than mine) that has always caused a few issues over the years. It also doesn’t help that my Dad is no longer the man I knew who raised me, he’s a pod person. Dad changed a lot when he and Mom divorced and I’m still trying to get to know who he is. I probably haven’t been he most receptive to him at times because I don’t really like the man he’s become. My Dad was totally awesome and the best Dad I could have asked for until the divorce, then something in him broke I he just honestly hasn’t even tried to fix it. Since the divorce is the only time I will ever call my father a weak man. Sometimes I still catch a glimpse of the man he used to be and I think there’s hope but then that glimpse is gone.

I think the more time goes on the angrier I get with him about it. I’m angry that he just decided to stay broken and not even try to fix himself. I’m angry that he’s not even trying to be the man I know he really is. He’s not being the Dad he should/should’ve been for me and my step siblings, he’s not being the grandfather that he should be, he’s not being the friend he should be or the husband that my step mom deserves. He’s not being the person he should be for himself. It’s very frustrating. And sad thing is I’m too chicken to tell him any of it. I absolutely hate letting anyone see me cry and know it’s because of something they’ve done to me. Makes me feel out of control and weak. It hurts my pride as well. For the most part I think I turned out pretty good and I owe a lot of that to him. The morals and ideals he taught me while growing up are forever instilled in me. He gave me my love for music and the confidence to succeed at whatever I do. I just wish he’d listen enough for me to return the favor. Maybe someday I won’t be such a coward about it and will actually tell him all of this. I just miss my Dad.

Quick someone give me something a bit more lighthearted to write about! :P


At 6:13 AM , Blogger Helen said...

Wow, that takes a lot of courage, and I admire you for trying something that could be very painful or very rewarding. I hope everything going on works out well for you, you deserve it!

And for what it's worth we have a real live lab pet so I might need your help naming her soon!

At 12:02 PM , Blogger Moi said...

Possible light hearted topics:
Food phobias
Falling down
Funny people's names
Something else that starts with F!


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