Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Talk

Well an update on my soap opera of a marriage…We talked last night. Didn’t quite go the direction I wanted it to, but it went well. He’s not leaving….yet. We agreed to work on things for a while to see if we can get any of that spark and stuff back and see if I have made up my mind that way. If not we’re going to try things separately. It’s weird talking to him sometimes. He tells me he loves me, is in love with me and all that stuff but in other ways he doesn’t sound like it. I think a lot of it is he too is worried about leaving his comfort zone and feeling like a failure yet once again in life. Basically here’s a short history on him:

He had a great childhood baby of 4 kids. He was the ooops. He’s the baby by I think 7 years. But everything up until he was 14 was great. At 14 his mom died in his father’s arms at the hospital of a heart attack. (This is one thing that I think produced who he is today.) He and his Dad got along okay and things were okay, he did great in high school, got offered full ride scholarships then his senior year he got his freshman girlfriend pregnant and there came his first son. After T was born he still went to college. Only a couple hours drive away. Met a lot of friends had a good time then when summer came he worked in construction and fell down an air conditioning shaft and cut off 3 of his fingers on his right hand. From there he moved back in with his Dad to have 5 different surgeries to save his hand and fingers(which was successful) in the meantime girlfriend and mother of baby T had a bad car accident and had some brain damage that turned her completely different and psychotic. After all of this and he went back to school he worked for another construction company and got crushed by a wall and had lots and lots of nerve damage and stuff. He spent well over a year rehabilitating and had to be on happy drugs for the nerve damage and to keep him from being depressed because of what happened. Somewhere after that he moved to devil town (Gothenburg, NE) and did okay for a while (still on the happy drugs at this time, legal happy drugs) then met psycho bitch #2 and had Little Guy. From there she abandoned both of them after Little Guy was born, did drugs, and stole money from him the whole nine yards. He finally got up enough money to get the divorce going, she did a bunch of other shit to make his life and mine hell but then finally we got her out of the picture last year.

So he has had his fair share of shit. Which isn’t an excuse for the way he acts sometimes. But it does explain why he does do things they way he does sometimes. Which also might explain part of how I wound up with him too. But at least now I think this talk last night will really make the two of us think about what we want out of life and where we are headed. I know everyone is wondering why it’s taking me so long, but that’s just me. I’m not completely surefooted about everything and don’t want to make that leap without having my mind made up. This sounds horrible but sometimes I think it might make things easier if one of us had someone else that we’ve fallen for. But that is not the way to do things I know that much. And I refuse to do it that way anyway. But I think I understand how people wind up in someone else’s arms when they’re married. I have cheated on people in the past but have never cheated while I’ve been married and don’t intend to start. Granted if Petri came back into the picture it would probably be a different story, he will always be my soft spot. But there is an update of what’s going on. I have decided to write about better, happier, more fun things for a while too. So you poor people that read my boring drivel about my marriage will get a break from it for a while. Ta Ta For Now 

4 Comments:

At 2:44 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Why do I get the feeling he is in love with you because he has someone who is taking care of things for him, who is giving him a place to live, who is taking care of his kid, who stood up to his ex, etc, etc, etc.

Keep that in mind when next you think of this . . . are you the woman he love, or are you the situation he loves.

 
At 3:38 PM , Blogger SuvvyGirl said...

I'm keeping that in mind already from what we talked about last night. His comfort zone but also his friend. I don't think it's all completely sinister. But at least a tiny bit farther than I was before. And at least he is paying all of his bills. I pay my half he pays his. (And I know, I know "why don't I do it already") I'd have nothing to drive you crazy with then. But I am going to start having more independence about things and stuff. Someday when you're not in an objective state of mind I'll explain more of the conversation (only if you want to hear it of course). But thanks for being there and letting me drive you nuts. I need to tell you that more. Loves :)

 
At 8:59 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Are you sure you want me in a less objective (detached) state of mind?

 
At 11:50 AM , Blogger Rocky Mountain Princess said...

Suvvy,

You may understand where he is coming from, but is his behavior something you can, or want, to put up with for the rest of your life? Knowing where someone comes from doesn't make that an automatic excuse to be a fucking asshole (pardon my french).

I had to be my brother and sister's "mom" when I was a freshmen in high school because we found out my brother was mentally ill and my mom fell into a deep, dark depression. After she came out of it and Matt got stabilized on his meds, she decided to go back to school so even then, I was still playing "mom" to a degree (although not as bad as I was freshmen year). Matt was just killed last year in an accident... uhm, the trash truck ran over his head and upper chest and he was killed instantly.

The point is, there's a lot of bad shit that goes on in life, but none of it is a reason to make the ones that you say you love, feel miserable and unhappy. It's not a "get out of jail free card" nor is it an excuse or a crutch to be an SOB.

I'm not even saying that he doesn't have his good days, but everyone can cover up who and what they are for a temporary amount of time. It's pretty obvious your husband is unhappy and miserable and using things from his past to justify his behavior now when there is NO justification. How is it YOUR responsibility to try and "make" him happy and to deal with all that? You can't change a person, no matter how much you want to. And I think Coyote Mike is right - he's going to pump you full of crap and make you THINK that he truly wants to change because he knows your not stupid and that you know you can't change him. But if he can convince you that he really wants to change, then he knows you'll stick around to "help" him. Meanwhile, he gets to stay in his comfort zone and you get to stay miserable and unhappy.

But... the choice is yours and you will have to make it when you're ready. The people who care about you (me included) can give you our opinions and thoughts, but ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right and what will make you happy, in your time.

Take care, sweetie... and I hope this wasn't too harsh :(.

 

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