Monday, August 14, 2006

More Blah on My Mind

Does anyone else feel that they’re in the right place at the wrong time? I hate those days. And those days always bring about those “what if” questions. Then you argue with yourself because some of the “what if’s” sound wonderful and then you think of some of the consequences of the “what if” and you’re not sure you like those. It’s an evil cycle. I personally think we inadvertently became God’s soap opera. I mean as the human race we have to be rather entertaining, there are times where I think wild animals are more capable of making decisions than we are. My “what if’s” have come from being 22 and married with two step children. I look around me and see what other 22 year olds are doing and I become envious. I don’t think I honestly know what it means to be on my own. Financially I am very well off compared to most others my age, that part doesn’t bother me. But ever since I was allowed to date I have always had somebody. Even when I moved out I moved in with an ex, the cousin I told you about that’s related to me by rumor and marriage no blood. We hadn’t dated since I was 16 but he was living with us at my Mom and Step Dad’s and we decided we’d be room mates. Which worked out fine, but then somehow, still not sure exactly how, but Tim and I became serious and I moved out of my apartment with the ex and into a little house with Tim. We moved one more time after that, then I bought my home and we live there now and are married. I’ve never gotten to live by myself/alone except for when he’s not home on some weekends. I love those times. Makes me feel free and so much more relaxed. And I am one of those people who does not mind being by myself. Plus I have my menagerie of pets to keep me company. We have entire conversations at times. I get to watch what I want on TV, get to cook for only one, do what I want to do around the house etc. I also do not feel that guilt about going out with friends and wanting to do certain things. It’s amazing to me how liberating that feels. The only obligations I have are to me and my animals. I like that. I also would like to know what it’s like to just date for fun. Not serious but just for fun. I guess that’d be more like just hanging out, but I think it would be nice. Of course I do feel guilty for thinking about these things, but someday I’m almost certain I’d love to try it on my own even for a while. I have so many things I want to do and can’t right now because of the Husband and the Little Guy. Is it selfish to want to live for myself for a while? All my life I’ve lived doing what I think is right and what other people want and I’m getting very worn out from it. I also want to find that passion and love I had with Petri again. I know it’s out there I just have to make the leap of faith and find it. It’s amazing life’s little conundrums. But thank God it’s time for me to go home  Yay me!!! Anyone who reads have a wonderful and joyous evening, read, drink some good wine, laugh, love and all that other stuff!

5 Comments:

At 9:56 AM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

I still don't understand what the holdup is.

 
At 10:06 AM , Blogger SuvvyGirl said...

Me arguing with myself and those "what if's" and my blazing fear of change and blah blah blah. When I figure all of it out I'll let ya know :P Gotta love me :D

 
At 10:14 AM , Blogger Rocky Mountain Princess said...

I love the blunt way Coyote Mike puts things.

Suvvygirl, let me tell ya something, hun. I'm almost 22 years old and I don't own my own home - I live in apartment with two roommates. Obviously you are capable of taking care of yourself and you know exactly what it is that you want. You want to be free, independent, with a chance to have a somewhat normal "20's" experience. You are young and everything that you want is right in your grasp - don't be afraid to reach out and take it! If you don't, you are going to have a lifetime of regret. Do you really think any of the people that matter so much right now, are going to be there when you turn 80 years old and have to look into your own eyes reflecting back when you look in the mirror? Hell no!

Take a leap of faith, step out of your comfort zone, get real with yourself, and quit putting off your own wants and desires. Nothing that you have said shows any kind of malice or selfishness in my eyes. It simply seems like you're getting tired of not being true to yourself and living to please everyone else. You have to make time and look out for Number One (YOU!) or else how could you possibly make time and look out for anyone else?

You are no one's bitch, so kick his ass to the curb and start traveling the less traveled road! It's fun and scary and exciting and confusing and a million and one different things, but I can guarantee you one thing: you won't ever be bored. Take a chance sweetie... the woman I see behind the words of this journal is NOT a coward. Good luck!

 
At 2:01 PM , Blogger SuvvyGirl said...

Amber: It's amazing how much better other people even one's you don't know can put things into perspective better than you can for yourself. Comfort Zone is the phrase I'd been trying to think of. You oughta meek Coyote Mike in person...very handsy :P

Coyote Mike: Handsy but funny. Amber finally helped me find that phrase I'd been looking for to explain myself a little better. Comfort Zone...I'm afraid to leave my Comfort Zone always been that way and I will leave it after I shed this yellow chicken affliction that I have. You, Amber and many other friends and family help me more than you know. Just for the record.

 
At 3:09 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

I'm only handsy when there is a boob in range ;)

 

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