Frustrated

I hate mornings that start off wrong!! Lately with Little Guy those mornings come way too often. I’m not a huge morning person, but I’m not snappy in the mornings either as long as things go smoothly. The routine in the morning is get up, find Little Guy clothes, attempt to make him understand that he needs to get dressed preferably before myself and his sister are dressed, get clothes for Lily, dress Lily, go into the bathroom put in my contacts, do my hair then finally get dressed myself. By this time it’s time for us to leave so I tell Little Guy to go downstairs and get his shoes on while I get Lily’s coat on her and her shoes. This is usually where our trouble with one another starts in the morning. It takes me about 5 minutes to get Lily’s coat on her and her shoes. Which is more than enough time for Little Guy to have his shoes on. Well by the time I get downstairs guess what? He doesn’t have them on!!! It drives me insane, but I usually handle it rather well and make sure he gets them on while giving him the “if you do this first you have more time for goofing off later” short speech. I know he doesn’t listen to a word I’m saying but it makes me feel better, or so I’ve lied to myself. Well if he doesn’t get pissed off at me over getting his shoes on then there is bound to be something between our house and the 5 blocks to the school.

Yesterday it was because I didn’t say something he wanted me to say which the child hardly said a word to me the entire way and if he did say something he’s way in the back seat and I have a hard time hearing him. So he wasn’t speaking to me as we got to the school then proceeded to have this huge attitude problem the rest of the day at school and daycare. Then this morning he got pissed of at me right off the bat over shoes and pretty much didn’t speak to me all the way to school again. Which is fine, but makes me paranoid that he’s going to have another bad day, get into trouble and I will have to talk to the school principal again and in turn feel like it is all completely my fault because I made him feel bad some how this morning.

I’m going to lose my mind soon!!! Yes I probably could be more patient with him and handle things better when he’s not doing what he’s told, but in the same turn he can behave better himself. When he gets in these moods he acts like he’s about 2. Now if he really were 2 it’d be a different story I would expect that type of behavior from him and would understand better. But he’ll be 8 in April and I just find it harder to wrap my mind around the idea of patience sometimes. I go through this constant argument with myself over things. I get impatient with him and feel justified in my impatience at the time, then after I have time to clear my head and think about it then I feel bad for getting impatient and short with him and worry about how it’s going to affect his day….and on and on and on.

It just gets to be so stressful sometimes. I worry about how he’s feeling, I worry about how it affects his school work, I worry that people think that he’s the way he is because of us and not because of the “egg donor”, I worry that we’re not doing everything we can for him, I worry about how it affects Lily and how it will affect her. And in all my worrying I get so mad about it all sometimes, he should not have to be going through any of this, he should be growing up without all of these added problems that his “mother” gave him, we should not be having to deal with it. It’s not fair.

I hate it when that phrase pops into my mind too. There’s so many people out their with much worse problems then ours and I don’t feel it’s right for me to think that my life isn’t fair. It would be nice to have a normalcy break from the craziness of it all sometimes. Every once in a while we’ll get a couple of days where he behaves fine and we all get along great and those days don’t feel like such an uphill battle with it all.

I do have a hard time dealing with things I have no control over sometimes. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all better for him…and the rest of us. But all I can do is try my best with him and accept the fact that there are days that I will fail at doing my best and so will he. I just have to relax and remember to take it all one step at a time. That’s all just so much easier said than done.