Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Still Feels Like Friday

It still feels like it should be Friday. :P At least today is Wednesday, halfway through the week. I’m sluggish at work today. Having a hard time getting started on everything. Part of it is because of my dream last night. I dreamed about Petri again. It’s been about a month since I dreamt of him last. I love the dreams yet I hate them. The feelings I have in the dreams are so overwhelming but they are so wonderful too. They make me never want to wake up from them. They always seem so real. Then I feel so guilty when I wake up and very melancholy. In almost all of the dreams they are never memories. They are like a continuation of him and I.

Last night the one was about him coming back from somewhere and we get back in touch again. In it we had been broken up for as long as we have been in real life but when we reconnect there’s no question about how we feel and we’re together again. I had been married and unmarried in the time he was gone and he’d had all of his girlfriends and stuff. They’re always such confusing dreams. I’ve always been the type of person who believes there’s a reason behind some dreams. Not all, some dreams are just the reaction of that big bean burrito before bed or something, but some dreams do mean something. Needless to say these dreams do not help with leaving him a memory or with my “who am I” phase. It leaves me thinking “if I could just see him once more and feel his touch then I would know how I still feel and know where I’m supposed to be or supposed to be going in my life.” But that sounds like such a silly rationalization. That just seeing an old love would straighten me out on my life. I have always been the type of person that hates not knowing what would happen. I always think of the “what ifs”. Maybe I should learn how to read the crystal ball.

These days like this always put me in the mood to be at a quiet bar with a good friend/friends having a beer or four and talking about absolutely nothing incredibly important but just talking. Coyote Mike is always good for those conversations. The last time we did that we started discussing the Harry Potter books. The conversation wasn’t about anything important but it sticks out in my mind. I think because I was relaxed and not worrying about everything I can’t control. Maybe another day like that will happen for me sometime. One question I want to see your answers to is….Why do we worry so much about what others, even our loved ones, think about some of our most simple thoughts and actions?


At 2:10 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

It is a primal urge to be approved of. We fear that the love will be taken away (but it would take a really BIG thing to make real love disappear).

As for dreams, I only got 2 hours sleep last night, so dreaming isn't really working for me :P

At 2:34 PM , Blogger SuvvyGirl said...

Mike: My thoughts go along with yours on that one.

Why only 2 hours sleep?

At 6:08 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Too much java

At 12:23 AM , Blogger Rocky Mountain Princess said...

Because they're the ones that matter the most...

I think you need to do a person search, find Petri, make him meet you, and put this thing to rest once and for all.

If you're not truly in love with your husband, then how fair is it to either of you to cheat yourselves of the opportunity to find true love just because neither of you will step up and get a divorce?

I know that sounds harsh... I hope you don't take it as such; it's not meant to be!!


At 1:17 PM , Blogger Nick said...

I agree with Amber. You owe it particularly to yourself if not your husband to really be with someone who you love. And I mean really love. It might also not be Petri, although he was a pivotal part of your life 5 years ago, he might have moved on as well.

I've been through the end of two marriages myself, and while it has taken me the best part of 12 months to adjust to being me, and to stop being such a doormat, I'm sure there is more learning and discovery for me lined up.

It is incredibly tough to be a step-parent, particularly if you've never even been a parent, so I have so much admiration for you for taking on not only a guy who has had his fair share of baggage to deal with, but his son as well.

That aside, you said yourself early in the piece that you had "settled" because Petri had moved to New England. How long are you prepared to punish yourself for settling, before you decide to make a break and move on.

At the end of the day, it's your decision, although it does seem you're heading in this direction anyway. Fight your fear of change, and step up. You've got some good friends around to help out, both IRL and here in the 'sphere.

At 5:16 PM , Blogger Coyote Mike said...

See, told you people think I'm right :)

At 10:51 PM , Blogger Rocky Mountain Princess said...


At 7:29 PM , Blogger Faris said...

hey, i'm late in this one. I can't seem to find time these days. i'm in scotland and working my arse off, so i won't post anything until after christmas, but you know what, your post smack such honest i cant' help thinking about you. you're a damn right decent girl. you've had loads of advice, just implement them. go for want you want, don't waver. give me good news.


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