The Day I Felt Like Jesus

I completely forgot that I have not posted about the day I felt like Jesus. I started the post many times but evidently never published it. That’s what happens when the hamster that runs on the little wheel that operates my brain eats too much junk food. So I shall now regale you with the story of my very first surgery.

So clearly I have never ever had surgery in my entire life, which means I’ve never been put under anesthetic. The closest I have come to that was the epidural I got while in labor with Lily and so that doesn’t really count. Over quite a few months I kept getting these horrid stomach aches, especially at night. At first they weren’t bad and just felt like I was recovering from someone punching me in the stomach. But over time they got really, really bad where I would be up all night in pain. Finally after two episodes of this in a week I broke down and went to the doctor.

Due to the location of the pain and the tenderness she sent me off for an ultrasound of my liver and gall bladder. Now I am as ultrasound illiterate as they come. I look at ultrasounds from when I was pregnant and still can’t understand that it looks like a baby. But even I could see that there were spots that didn’t belong in what supposedly was my gall bladder. The ultrasound technician called my doctor and told her I had at minimum 4 rather large stones which dun, dun, dun means surgery. So alas I make yet another appointment with yet another doctor, this time a surgeon. A very tall surgeon that made me think of the jolly green giant in his scrubs. He was very nice and explained what a simple procedure it would be to remove my gall bladder, various side effects and scheduled my surgery for Feb. 24.

The morning of Feb. 24 I get up at the buttcrack of dawn and went to the hospital. Of course by this time it’s sunk in that I’m going to have surgery and I’m already dreading things and thinking of what if’s. By the time they get me checked in I of course am in a calm state of paranoia. To the untrained eye I look cool as a cucumber but anyone with telepathic ability would see otherwise. What if they give me too much anesthetic and I die, what if I’m awake during surgery and they don’t know it, what if it takes more than one try to get that damned IV in my arm. The latter was my biggest concern. My fear of needles has mostly subsided over the years but I hate and I repeat HATE IV’s.

After I got into my little drafty gown that really serves no purpose as it’s mainly see through and lie back down on the gurney, the nurse comes over to get my IV set up. Thankfully she was a wonderfuly experienced nurse who got it on the first try and I hardly felt a thing. I also was rather proud of my Zen like skills at keeping my heart rate normal and not stroking out. Once my IV is in she leaves me alone for a bit to go let my Mom come back with me and semi closes the curtain around my bed. I can still see people going in and out of the OR and am very pleased to see a very cute male nurse go by. I mumbled something about him being cute and could be my nurse anytime, and then to my utter horror I realize he along with another nurse are standing just outside my curtain looking at my chart. Needless to say I was as red as a tomato when they all opened my curtain with my Mom following. I then find it necessary to tell her what I had mumbled out loud while they were still standing there. Mind you this is all before they give me any drugs so the only excuse I have is I was a bit anxious and get rather stupid when I’m close to having an anxiety attack.

Well as the cute assistant nurse and his boss start going over with me all of the proceedings along with the anesthesiologist my nice nurse that did my IV gives me this amazing little pre knock out drug to loosen me up a bit. And boy did it ever! Not sure how many of you ever watch Bill Engvall but I started quoting his latest piece about when he goes in for his colonoscopy. “Why thank you bartender I’ll have a double” and many more little witty things that had everyone around me laughing either because they were really funny or because I was a certifiable loon at that point in time.

As I am babbling away they take me for the nice swift ride twenty feet into the OR. Once in there they don’t even bother trying to ask me to move over to the operating table on my own, they just lift/push me onto it. They then proceed to tell me to put my arms straight out to my sides and straighten my legs, then they strap me down. I’m glad I was doped up otherwise this would have felt a bit alarming to me. As they continue to fasten me to the table I look up and it being a Catholic hospital (I’m not catholic by the way) I see a crucifix up on the wall. I hear someone mumble that they are injecting the anesthetic and the last thing I remember saying is “I feel like Jesus”.

I groggily wake up after surgery and they get me settled into my own room and I’m not appreciating the happy drugs going out of my system and no one would give me another round. The doctor came in and explained to me that he was very happy that I had my surgery when I did. Evidently my gall bladder was in very sad shape and was chalked full of gall stones. He was actually amazed it hadn’t ruptured yet. I spent the night in the hospital in a Percocet induced haze and toddled off home the next day.

Makes me wonder what it would be like to be a fly on the wall in the OR.

Lesson Learned

It is honestly amazing I don’t wind up in the ER more than I do. This weekend I decided to do some gardening in an attempt to make my flower beds more presentable. In short they were scary overgrown things last year and I would really like to have them be something I want people to see.

Well as I was pushing my yard waste container from one side of my flower bed to the other I wasn’t paying attention (I was noticing that Lily broke my little squirrel statue) and hit a bump in the lawn which in turn caused my yard container (ok yes it’s a trash can) to fall over towards me and since I was pushing this caused me to fall head first into it. As it hit the ground with me inside there was a very loud “son of a bitch” that came out of it. I crawled out of it as quickly as my bruised body and pride would let me to see that thankfully no one was around to witness this and put it on YouTube. My neighbor lady was out clipping her lilac bush but seemed like she hadn’t seen anything. I have bumps, bruises and scrapes all over me from this little expedition I went on. Sunday at pool my other friends were tired and sore from things like softball practice and binge drinking…I was the one who was sore from falling in her garbage can. Sigh. Only me.

On a good note though I have one flower bed looking great and only two more to do. Granted they are enormous flower beds but there are only two of them. I have also learned the lesson to pull the yard waste container, don’t push…unless I am going downhill then its okay to push it otherwise it tries to run me over.

Cha Cha Chia!

Today I shall take a detour off my beaten path of writing about everyone’s relationships. It’s exhausting, and while there are more things that I could write about them I’m not going to. Today is going to be more light hearted, because damnit something has to be!

Walking down the hallway at work this morning I snorted. Not because a bug flew up my nose or the bathroom smelled like something died, but because that was the best way I could suppress my laughter. Standing at the clerk’s office was a couple trying to get their marriage license. As I took them in I noticed that the girl while a bit frumpy still just looked like your average girl. The man however was deceiving. Starting at his shoes he looked like every other joe somebody tennis shoes, slightly tattered khaki shorts with a baseball t shirt on…then I got to his head. Not only did he have on birth control glasses but the man had an afro! A white man’s afro that looked as though things could be and probably were hiding in it.

I felt so sorry for the poor girl he has duped into marrying him. On her wedding day she will I’m sure look splendid standing next to her very own chia pet. But there is the hope for her that a few years down the road when he has lost all of his hair she can make their children roll with laughter at how their father looked once upon a time.

For the life of me I can’t understand some people’s fashion sense, and I use that term very lightly. I don’t even understand mine when I look back on pictures. Although I can say in my defense as a child the fashion sense was my mothers and not mine. There are pictures out there I would just love to forget about, for example there is one of me when I am around 10 or 11 in my little Tae Kwon Do uniform with my permed hair piled high on my head sporting a pair of gigantic glasses on my face. I deemed that day as cruel and unusual punishment.

So what about you all is there a fashion period in your life you wonder what drugs you were on at the time?

If I ever find it and get the nerve I shall post my picture to brighten all of your days.

Still Alive

I am still alive; I just have not had much to post on. I have but I haven’t, or at least haven’t been able to put it into words suitable worth reading. The biggest goings on the last couple of months has been friends breaking up.

Travis and Megan finally called it quits and attempted to stay friends. But of course that hasn’t worked out so well now they don’t’ really talk. In the beginning Travis had a really hard time with it which was really opposite than what I thought would happen, but he snapped out of it. Megan had a new boyfriend within not even a week and they are now pretty much living together. He’s a nice enough guy, but I have to snicker because about 5 years ago he tried to take my friend Tits home and couldn’t get it up for a one night stand. Also Megan is the first white woman I’ve seen him date ever. It’s interesting but she seems happy and more of the Megan I liked to begin with. Travis is doing well and has decided to go back to college and finish getting his mechanic license. Of course this means he will be moving away which is sad, but it will be good for him.

Jimmy and Lisa are finally done too. After their constant breaking up and getting back together a failed marriage proposal did them in. Originally they were just planning on living together (bad idea) but then before they even started looking for a place he asked her to marry him. It wasn’t that she said no, but it ended because she didn’t like the size of the ring. It was nasty. At first I understood what she was saying about it…it was the meaning behind it all blah blah blah. But then I got his side and well she was being a materialistic bitch. Yes she is one of my best friends, but I have been against this relationship for about 4 months now. About the time they both started telling me they were only staying with each other because they didn’t want to be lonely. And I lost a lot of respect for both of them being willing to try living together without even considering the 3 kids they have between them. Especially Lisa’s little boy who is 3 and has never accepted Jimmy since he came along. Especially when they both admit they’re not in love. It’s weak and stupid. I was fully expecting them to even work this last marriage proposal thing out, but it was evidently the straw that broke Jimmy’s back finally. I am so glad for it. And sadly enough it has made a difference in Lisa and I’s friendship. She’s started in with the being depressed and the world always shits on me crap. Evidently last Monday she went to his apartment to try to get him back and started in with the “I should just go home and shoot myself” lines. Really?! You need help loading the gun? That is just a stupid cry for attention and being pissed off you’re not the center of the universe. She was doing much better the rest of the week and doesn’t know I know about that, but if she pulls that crap again I’m calling protective services on her. Her son needs a mother who will take care of him and put him first and not bitch 24-7 about it. I have no use for people that behave that way. I understand getting depressed or upset once in a while with a life changing event, but not to that extreme. You can’t wait around for someone else to make your life worth while. That’s your job to do.

We haven’t had pool since they split up and this weekend will be the first time I’ll have to deal with it. I don’t want her there because she is not welcomed or liked by much of anyone. She has been tolerated this last year because of Jimmy and I. It’s going to do her no good to be around it. I told her that we can start doing things together on a different night of the week at new places. She is still my friend and I won’t give up on her, but I am refusing to play into her stupid little mindset. The way she gets is why we didn’t speak for about 3 years when we were younger. I’m just glad there will be beer and other people around on Sunday, because I’m sure I will be loony by the time the night is over.

More updates will come later, for now I suppose I should work.

Wow it’s been almost a month since I last posted. What to post about. There’s been things going on then there hasn’t, I hate sorting through the rubbish that is my life and figuring out what is blogworthy.

For starters the strip club on the 30th was a freaking blast!! Get the right amount of alcohol in me and surround me with some of my favorite people in the world and it’s awesome. The strippers were all super nice too. I got to meet all of them since my friend Travis knows a lot of them from back in high school. Now there used to be a time where I was mucho intimidated by other women, especially ones that look a lot better than I do. But then I got over myself and decided to look at what everyone else does. I can appreciate someone else’s beauty, man or woman. I was partnered up with my guy friend Tyler to go up and sit next to the stage for lap dances. He’s a bit shy but one of the most fun people to be around. He’s a lot like I am so we sat there and felt a wee bit uncomfortable at first and blushed together. And I bought lap dances for him, Jimmy and a couple of our other friends. Jimmy had kind of a crappy night that night and needed some cheering up. He was in a good enough mood by the end of the night we all went back to his place and continued the party. My poor body can’t handle staying up until the wee hours of the morning like that though and I’ve had a few of them lately. We all wind up somewhere after the bars close and lose track of time talking, drinking and playing video games. January is such a busy month with all of the birthdays and other goings on. But it’s been a blast.

Our new pool session started at the beginning of this month too and I have finally found my mojo again. Last session I couldn’t shoot to save my life but now the last two weekends in a row I have been awesome! I have won the night for us both weekends, and it’s such an awesome feeling. My parents have gotten all moved back from New Mexico and are back in pool again. My step dad is on my team and mom is on her old one. It’s great having them back.

I have also been working on losing weight and exercising. It feels so good to be doing it all on a regular basis again. I’ve also been practicing up on my martial arts. There aren’t any martial arts schools around here that I deem worthy to attend so I’m just working on it on my own. I want to get back to that point where I open my own school. It’s been a dream of mine for years and it’s time to start chasing it again. But I have a lot of work to do before that can happen and I really need to find someone willing and qualified to help me train. The places around here are all in it for the money and not as an art form. I’m very traditional and these places just don’t cut it. I do not like a place where you can walk in and buy your belts. It’s not meant to work that way.

Anyhow, it’s Friday afternoon and I get to leave work early today. So I shall update more soon. Everybody have a great weekend!!

Did everyone have a good Christmas? Mine was good, the kids made out like bandits and so did I. I got a pair of sterling silver earrings, Mario and Sonic Winter Olympics for the Wii, Disney Wheel of Fortune board game and Lindt Milk Chocolate Truffles. I made fudge and ham and all sorts of good stuff to eat. And I must say I think I did a pretty good job of not over doing it. I have lost about 5 pounds when I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. Yay me!! Anyway all in all Santa was good to everyone. We even got another 4 inches of snow on top of the 3 that was still there from the last snow storm. Monday was the first day I had left the house since Christmas Eve.

I am so happy that it’s a short week this week too, but it’s a busy one. Went out for Travis birthday last night with him and his girlfriend Megan. We played pool for a bit then went home. Supposed to go out with him and some other people again tonight for what he considers the “real celebration” at the new strip club since Meg has to work. They are one of those couples that don’t have a lot of fun when they are out together. They’ve been having issues for quite some time that I’ve mentioned on here and the issues are still there. They did fairly well last night though so that was nice, I think it was partly that way since I showed up. I acted kind of like a buffer or sensor so they had to behave. I’m looking forward to going out tonight but I still have to work tomorrow morning so I don’t know how much wild and crazy I will be up for. Plus I don’t want to spend New Years Eve with a hangover. It’s New Years Day that you’re supposed to be hung-over. So far somehow our house is becoming the place to be. Lisa and I discussed what we wanted to do for New Years. A couple of weeks ago we were agreed on going out (I haven’t ever been out on New Years since I’ve turned 21) but it has now morphed to hanging out at our house playing games and such. Which I’m fine with this since it’s cheaper and I don’t’ have to worry about how I’m getting home. But originally it was just supposed to be Lisa, Jimmy, Bart (Tim’s best friend), Tim and myself. But I guess Jimmy might invite a couple more people and another couple that Tim and I are friends with might be coming over too. I think it’s going to be a wee bit hectic but fun!

Then the next thing is the new pool session starts up again this Sunday, but at least now I’ll be watching myself a bit more since my parents are all moved back and joining my team. Somehow you just can’t drink a lot when your parents are around, especially since my Step Dad used to be an alcoholic (back before he ever met Mom). And then Tuesday the 5th is my birthday. I will be 26 years old; I will officially be closer to 30 than 20. Granted it’s not old, but in some ways it feels old. Still not sure where this last decade has gone and when I went from playing house to owning a house. But I am looking forward to a good day and hoping to get friends to go out for karaoke. Granted I will not be singing but I love watching my friends. Jimmy is a lot of fun to go with and he has a good voice. Granted if I have enough to drink I’ll (pretend) to sing with someone. But I do have to work the next day so there won’t be too many shenanigans that night; I think there’s enough this week to last me anyways.

Merry Christmas!!